A Year Without Blogging...and Life Lately

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Its been almost a year since I posted anything on here, I've been writing and rewriting this post for the last week trying to come up with the words for my first post back. What keeps coming to me is that I miss writing. I REALLY miss writing. Despite the fact that I know not a lot of people read this website I need this space for myself. If others read it and find what I write entertaining or helpful for them then that's great but I find writing therapeutic and so for now I need this for me.

So whats happened in the last year away? A lot and yet nothing at all really.

Something I'm proud of is I started a small photography business with my friend Hillary. Last year I was trying to build up a portfolio and it took off for a while and I was encouraged by friends and family to try and make something out of it. So Hillary and I created Little Red Arrow. It's taking a lot of time to get going and get off the ground. More time then I want it to. Unfortunately I find my motivation for the business lacking. It's my own fault really. I love photography. I love taking photos and exploring new places. I want to make this business into a full time job. And I know if I put the time into it, I can do it. A part of me knows I have the talent for it. What I lack is the confidence to hammer down and really make it into something.

Unfortunately I get inside my head too much and talk myself down, but I know if I don't try I'll only regret it. I think what really scares me, is trying to make it work and not succeeding and then the voice inside my head will win. Yep I'm that person...the person who seems positive but really is just scared.

Which leads me to the next big thing that happened to me within the last year. I don't want to get into it to much in this post because I plan on talking about it in another post later. But here is the down low. Earlier this year after fighting it for a long time, I admitted to myself that I suffer from what I thought was seasonal depression. I went to my doctor and after talking to him about my problems I was told that it wasn't seasonal depression I was suffering from but depression in general, and what he thinks is PTSD. None of this surprises me at all. I've always kind of known something was up. Most people shouldn't feel about themselves what I feel and think in my head.

I feel like I'm on the right track now. I'm on some meds and I'm seeing some therapists and working through everything. It's not easy and some days really suck. I feel a little stronger by seeking help and realizing something was wrong and needed to be fixed. I know this is going to take a while to get back to being truly happy, but its better then what I felt before.

The biggest thing to happen to me this year was selling our condo. This for us took a lot of tears and years of money struggling to come to terms with. Richard and I loved this condo from the moment we saw it. When we bought it over three years ago it was at the top price range of what we wanted to spend but because it had everything we wanted in a condo, and had room to change and design the way we wanted, we decided this was going to be our forever home.

Unfortunately being first time buyers, we didn't know the questions to ask when looking at condos. We didn't know that any extra money we had at the time would go into keeping a crappy car on the road. Or that the condo fees, after being told were capped off, actually weren't and continued to rise. Eventually it got to the point were it took its toll on us. And after a good cry we seeked help and decided that selling the condo now instead of in a few years was the best option for us.

So in just over a month we move into my brothers home for a year while we get out of debt and start saving for a new place. I'm really looking forward to moving in with him and his wife and daughter. They are all so positive and while I'm not so naive to think everything is going to be sunshine and rainbows all the time, I do think this is the best move we've made for us in a long time.

I'm looking forward to this year and what it will bring. I'm looking forward to saving money and enjoying life a little more. This weekend I'm off to Algonquin Park with my uncle and niece for a photo adventure. Then I have to start packing up the condo and getting ready for the move. Its gonna be a busy month for me but I'm hoping to get more posts written and make this more of a common thing. I'm also looking to revamping the blog and coming up with a new design and feel. Really start to hammer down on my side business and get it to the level I want it to be at.

So if you're reading this I hope you stick around and see what else I have to offer. Let me know if there's anything you want to hear about or if you have any questions or thoughts, and I will do my best to write back or do a post on it. For now I'm going to enjoy the calm before the storm that is moving.

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

I'm sure if you follow this blog or my IG you can see that I've been dabbling a lot more into portrait photography. I've become a lot more confident with my photography over the last year or so and I can finally admit to myself and others that I would love to do this as a side thing. I follow a lot of photographers and more and more lately have realized this is something that makes me happy and is a way for me to bring my creativity into something I love. Not only is photography a hobby of mine but its also a passion. I would love to try and build up my portfolio and see where this might take me.

So whats the BIG announcement you ask? Well...I'm looking for people who want their photos taken and are willing to model for me. Here are some examples of what I am capable of.

What am I looking for? 

Everything. Individuals, Couples, Families, Children. Like I said I'm trying to build my portfolio so I need a variety of different things.

What kind of photos am I looking to take?
Absolutely everything. If you have an idea run it by me.
You want to do a fun family session? Awesome!
You want to do an at home couple session! Lets try it.
You want to do a cool steam punk session with a bad ass outfit? What week are you available?

What am I offering?
Well this is the catch. I'm not a professional. I'm no where close to that. So if you're expecting Vogue cover shoots...well I can't offer you that, that's for sure. What I am offering is a photo shoot where we can talk through what you're looking for and I will give you all the photos I can take on that day. I am going to be giving you the photos but I will be using them here on the blog and in my portfolio for the future. So I will still retain all rights to the photos. Basically this means you can't sell the photos I've taken for your profit.

Whats the cost?
I will only charge $10 a head, per session, and I will give you a USB (which you can keep) with all the photos on it so you can go and print them out yourself.

If you are interested and willing to help me out please let me know by leaving a comment, facebook message, or you can email me at hp_crazed86@hotmail.com

Honest to Blog- My Anthem

A couple posts ago I wrote about Brittany Gibbons and her amazing idea to give her fans and followers writing prompts for the month of August. I did one of the prompts which was a letter to my 18 year old self, which you can read here. The next one I decided to do was a really easy one for me..."Which song would you pick to be your anthem?"

Music speaks to me. Songs can make me jump up and dance until I'm out of breath. They can make me want to curl in on myself and cry until I have no tears left in my body. Others are ones I play in the car with the windows down while I belt it for all to hear. (Joking the second I pull up to another car the windows go up and I quietly sing the song while using the steering wheel as a drum set.) While others make me just sit in one spot while I soak in the words and make me feel calm. There are some songs that have gotten me through the rough times, while others remind me of the happy moments in my life.

But there is no other artist out there that has made me feel the way I do when I listen to Florence + The Machine. Not only is her voice exquisite, but her lyrics are some of the ones that touch me the most. She has a song for just about everything, but there was one of hers that I heard which I knew was my heart song.

It explained everything, everything, I've ever felt since I was 12 in just over 4 minutes. It's like it was written expressly for me to listen to when I want to give up, or make others listen too when I just can't answer the question "How are you?" Or when I need that boost of encouragement to tell myself "You'll get past this next hurdle in your life. Stand straight and shake it off and put one foot in front of the other. You can do this! You're strong. Just shake it out."

This is my anthem Ladies and Gentlemen and one day I will carry words from this song on my skin for all to see!

Florence + The Machine- Shake It Out

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Honest to Blog- Dear 18 Yr Old Paula

The amazing blogger Brittany Gibbons created an August Writing Prompt for woman to choose from and write about. One of the suggestions on her list for the month was..."Write a letter to yourself 10 years ago. What do you know now, that you wish you'd known then?"

This is the first of her prompts I have written but I plan to write a few more from her list. I adore her and after writing this letter to my past self I felt very calm and almost like a weight was lifted. I wish 18 year old Paula could have read this. It would have been nice to know things got better.

Well here is my letter to 18 year old Paula.

Dear 18 year old Paula,

Put down the fanfiction and lets have a girl to girl chat. I feel a little like the Time Traveller's Wife while I write this. You'll read that book in the future and totally get this reference.  If this is like a Back to the Future type deal, can you please do a few things before reading the rest of this letter. 

1. Be more active, woman! Our family history has a horrible track record for healthy women. Maybe walk around or something. 
2. Love your body more. Learn to dress yourself properly and maybe look up some good skin care regimens. Oh and brush your teeth more or just floss more. The cavity bills sucks ass. 
3. For the love of god pick up a book on cars. Just learn the basics ok? Nothing crazy just learn what the different parts of a car are and what their use is. 

I'll know if this worked when I post it and look down at myself and see a smoking hot bod, and maybe more money in my bank cause I didn't waste it all on crappy cars. 

OK now lets get real. The next couple of years are going to have some major up and downs. Your life is a roller coaster and you'll learn that the terror isn't so much the drop but the climb up to the top. Soon you're going to get your first official boyfriend!!! I know right. CONGRATS!!! You're going to experience a lot of firsts with him. Some will make you happy, like the obvious, others like your first breakup not so much fun. I know, sorry to burst the bubble. It's inevitable though, he was not your lobster. Just good practice.

Enjoy 18-19 because 19-20 is when the coaster your riding crashes in the pond below. You're going to learn the true meaning of heartbreak. That nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you think will one day happen...sorry sweetie but it happens. You'll discover you're stronger than you think you are, and you get through it, but be prepared, it will change you. One day you'll wake up and realize the things you wanted in your life, well, some aren't so important anymore. There are no words to prepare you for this, I wish I had some words of wisdom.

The people around you are going to surprise you too. Some will disappoint you while others will become more important, and even more you'll never see again. The latter group of people will leave because you will shut them out of your life. It wont be until years later that you'll realize what you've done. You won't be able to change it, just know that this is what you do. Grow from it and move on.   

I unfortunately can't help you in the 'Ugly Duckling' department. Even at 28 I still don't feel pretty. If anything I feel worse. Some days I wake up with a song in my head and I have a dance party in the car on the way to work. I may have a little extra sway to my nonexistent ass and I'll feel gorgeous. Other days I feel like shit but I plaster on that fake smile. My advice is the same from above. Become more active, I'd really like to see 30 with 80lbs less weight. 

Silver lining time. Try your best to hold out until 2007-2008. You're going to travel this year. LONDON BOUND BABY. Also you're going to meet someone that is going to surprise you the most. The true Paula who you've kept hidden is going to come out. Your light and your dark, and you're nerdy alter ego. People will question this change in you. Some may even think you're changing for him, but the truth is he brings all this out. He's going to see this side of you and not question it. He's going to let you embrace the hell out of it. He's going to show you things you never thought you wanted in your life, but once you have it you won't want to let it go. Do yourself a favor. ANSWER HIS FACEBOOK MESSAGE! Agree to a date with him and don't look back. The rest of your life, and be prepared cause the coaster is back on track and ready for another crash, it's going to be easier to handle because he's going to be holding your hand through it. 

That feeling of always being stepped on and pushed to the side and walked all over? It goes away; not fully, but it gets better. You'll learn to stand up for yourself and you get more confidence to fight for the important things. It's an amazing feeling and you become way more confident because of it. And that chick you idol so much, the one with the awesome husband and two cute kids, tends to come over a lot for Sunday dinner, ya she becomes one of your best friends. You both may not share everything with each other, a girl needs her secrets after all, but you become closer than just sisters. She is your true soul mate and the other half of your old lady rocking chair duo. One of the only people you will keep in touch with from high school is Hillary. Thank god you have her in your life, dig your nails in deep on that one. 

So advice for the future. Keep your head up and your arms in the air while riding this roller coaster. There are scary moments and exhilarating moments. Bring tissues. Lots and lots of tissues. Maybe some spanks for those ugly duckling moments and a shot glass for the booze. Also throw in a push up bra and some thongs. Trust me you'll need all of these, and you'll thank me for it. 

I wish I could be there for you so you have an extra shoulder to cry on or someone to laugh with, but don't worry you'll have plenty of people surrounding you. 

Stay strong. 

Paula Vaughan (oh ya, you change your name in the future). 

P.S really consider reading up on cars. Seriously trust me on that. Oh and you still don't know what you want to be when you grow up. Don't waste time on college. Just work on being happy.

Sookie and Lola...A love letter.

Dear Sookie,

It's been five years since I first saw your racing stripes and picked you up in Georgetown. Our first car Ruby was unsafe and dying and you were so pretty and what we hoped would be safe.

It seems like yesterday when after only two weeks of owning you I had you towed because a pulley system under the belt in the engine broke, a common thing in Ford Focus' we later learned. So many fun stories happened with you. Like that time we took you to the drive in and worried the battery wouldn't last so we kept turning you on and off, pissing off the other movie watchers. Or that time I decided to reward you with new winter tires but left them on for over two years. 

Lets not forget the time Hillary, Becky and I drove to Orangeville with you and you decided to have a hissy fit and explode in the drive threw of a McDonalds. At least we got to meet that scary looking tow truck driver, an introduction we would never have had had it not been for you. 

You remember Becky, that wasn't the only time when she was in the car and you went ape shit and had to be towed. For a while I thought you didn't like gingers but no, I think you just didn't like me. The next time you were towed was in Oshawa, when visiting Becky, that you decided after making the whole trip there on a Sunday evening that you just wouldn't start again. After getting you towed for the third time to a ford dealership in Oshawa where I had to miss a day of work I learned your ignition broke, again another common thing in Ford Focus'. 

Lets not forget the time I locked the keys in you while you were still running in a parking lot on Canada Day last year. That was an absolute blast. Don't even get me started with all the upkeep it took to keep you pretty and happy. New coolant fluid piping, new engine mounts, more coolant fluid pipping, new brake pads, new battery, more piping etc etc. This list is endless. 

I think my absolute favourite was early this year when your battery died in -40°C, and I got you towed for what I thought was gonna be the last time. How wrong I was. No it wasn't until two weeks ago when travelling to Oakville that your coolant temperature skyrocketed and we took you to the mechanic again to replace more piping. 

The next day when driving you up the steep ramp in our underground parking you decided enough was enough and turned off and rolled back down. After spending lots of money fixing you up the day before and getting you towed for the fifth and final time, Richard and I had had enough. We just couldn't keep you anymore. We learned that we just weren't the right people to see you to the very end.

Sookie thank you for keeping me alive these last five years. You will remain in our thoughts and we hope you find new owners who can take better care of you and have deeper pockets. 

All our love,
Richard and Paula

Dear Lola,

You beautiful amazing girl you. You are Richard and my very first NEW car. We had one of your great Aunt's as our very first car. Her name was Ruby, and she was a 1999 Toyota Corolla, but she was mistreated by horrible Muggles who didn't take good care of her. By the time we got her it was too late to give her the care and love she deserved, and she was so depressed. But like any good car she tried her best to keep going and did her job of also keeping us alive. Despite not having AC or a gas tank that worked. Or even doors that unlocked properly.She was once even paved around in a parking lot at a construction site. But that's enough about her. Lets talk about you.

You are a breath of fresh air, literally. You're our first car with properly working AC and heat. Your interior is soft and clean and you have no marks on you. You smell AMAZING, and you're exterior is something other cars and Muggles alike envy. Your sound system is stellar and we already know your a bad ass rocker at heart. You warn me of upcoming cars with your intelligent back up camera, and your LED lights that allow me to see in the dark without putting on my high beams. Even after only three days of being with you, I can already tell our love story is going to epic. Herbie the Love Bug will have nothing on us.

Here are my promises to you, I will always keep you well fed with only the best Regular Gasoline, and keep all other liquids full to bursting. I will keep your interior shiny and dust free. There will be no garbage left in you at the end of every day. I will get your regular check ups at the appropriate intervals as told to me by the stickers on the front windshield. And I will keep your windows clean from bugs when ever I can. I will encourage you when I feel  like you need it. For example when we are going up large hills or through deep puddles. In the winter I will do my best to keep you clean from ice and keep safe distances from other cars around you.

My request to you, is please let me know in advance when something is wrong. I don't want to subject you or I with the embarrassment of meeting new tow truck drivers. And please please do your absolute best to keep myself and other passengers safe and arrive at our destination.

Love you Lola Corolla,
Richard (the owner) and Paula (the master).

 

Happy National Doughnut Day

Sorry this is actually a thing?
Well HOT DAMN. Excuse me while I stuff myself full of Tim Horton's Doughnuts and binge watch some Veronica Mars on Netflix.

Eff Your Beauty Standards

I got to meet TESS MUNSTER!

For those who don't know who that is, Tess is a Plus Size Model, Make-Up Artist, Body Positive Activist, Blogger and Founder of #EffYourBeautyStandards. Impressive Right?

I started following her on Instagram after a friend from work, Amanda, posted a picture of her on her IG. Tess is such an inspiration for not only plus size women but to all women. She lives in LA but was traveling and doing meet and greets with fans and Toronto happened to be on her list of cities. Amanda, who is a huge fan of Tess, showed a couple of us from work that she was coming up and three of us agreed we had to meet her.

The day started out with us all meeting at Yorkdale where I broke my Sephora cherry and bought a brand new lipstick. I was feeling sassy and ready to take on the world. Have you ever noticed that when you feel pretty you give off a different chemistry? I swear it happens every time I wear a new dress or even just a new Bra and Panties.  Like I can be wearing an over sized T-shirt and crappy jeans but if I'm wearing sexy new underwear...WATCH OUT WORLD! Like for some reason I feel pretty so I stand a little taller, look people in the eye and smile a bit more. I get more compliments and feel pretty, which is something I don't feel on a day to day basis.

Well with my new 'Hot Tango' Red lipstick on I was feeling just that. Funny how little things like that will help. So after shopping for a little bit we headed down to Gussied Up Plus, where Amanda would meet one of her idols. There was a buzz happening between the three us, that only got stronger as we lined up with the rest of the women and men outside the store.

Everyone in line was so positive. It was amazing how many people where just dealing out the compliments to everyone who passed. Especially towards Amanda who looked fierce with her Ariel red hair. While we waited outside two people asked if we would answer a couple questions while they filmed us. James and Giovanna are the two filmmakers filming a documentary on the plus size industry called A Perfect 14. Tess Munster along with two other plus size models are their subjects in the documentary that will explore the personal struggles and success of these woman. We were asked some questions about Tess Munster and our feelings towards her positive attitude on the plus size community. Hopefully we will have a little bit in the documentary which would be fantastic. Also I can cross being in a movie off my bucket list. So in the event that James and Giovanna actually stumble across this post, my name is Paula Vaughan and I was the chick with the sassy red lipstick. Just to narrow it down for you all. :)

Tess Munster, where do you start? Well, how about with the obvious. She's gorgeous. You look at photos now a days and know that photoshop is going to be used at some point, but honestly she is stunning in person. Photoshop is not needed with her at all. She was talking to her fans one on one, and while we waited in line we saw how she interacted with people. She was so nice and willing to share stories and answer peoples questions. She was taking photos with people and asked after every photo if they liked it. If not another one would be taken. She wanted everyone to like the photo that was taken and would continue to take photos until the person was pleased with it. She was signing autographs and selling her custom Eff Your Beauty Standards T-shirt, which the three of us purchased.

It was an amazing experience to be a part of it and to meet such an incredible woman but also to see Amanda meet her idol. Amy and I were both more excited for Amanda to meet her then anything. 

Being a plus size woman is hard. I have always been on the fatter side of what society deems as beautiful. What can I say I love to eat and hate to exercise. Could I lose some weight? Of course I could. Is that anyone's business but my own? Hells No.The amazing thing that I'm finding going on right now are all the plus size women that are speaking out about what its like to be on this side of the social norm and love your body. You have women like Tess Munster, and Brittany Gibbons with her Curvy Girl Guide Society. Chelsea McGowan and her Girls on Film photo shoots, where real woman of all shapes and sizes show their confidence in their own skin. You have actresses like Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy owning their bodies and showing that having curves isn't something to be ashamed of but something to embrace.

We need more women like this in the world. We need to stop with the Fat Shaming and the Skinny Shaming. I've said it so many times before about actresses who are skinny, mostly because I'm jealous that they look the way they do. They work their asses off (literally) to look the way they do. Good on them! Love your body and yourself just the way you are. If you want to get healthy and feel more confident in your own skin then fucking go for it, and if that's not for you then so be it, but be confidant in yourself.

Honestly life is hard enough without everyone else picking on each others appearance. So in the words of Tess...Eff Your Beauty Standards.

**Side Note: I edited most of these pictures using the A Beautiful Mess Actions for Photoshop Elements. I'm really loving the look they give to my pictures.  

See Ya Later January.

So here is a little post about what we got ourselves up to this month, which was a whole lot of stress, some movie watching, and just a little bit of water and some fire.

So Mother Nature is acting like someone threw pigs blood on her at the prom and is taking no prisoners.

Who else is sick of this winter? I know we as Canadians are use to the winter months, but enough already, this is a little excessive, right? I mean we've had Ice Storms, power outages, -35 degree weather, snow, rain, hail. Why not throw in another false rapture prediction and call it a day.

That being said I would much rather have it be cold with no snow then warmer and tons of snow. I remember being a kid and wanting it to snow all the time. Why? Well because snow meant snow days. Snow days meant I got to stay home and sleep. But apparently they frown on that when you're an adult. Which sucks a lot.

With the polar vortex came car trouble. Now not all of this can be blamed on M.N. A third of it can be blamed on her, but the other two thirds are all on Richard and I. One third I will blame on myself and the fact that I am a curse when it comes to cars. Every car that has had my name on it hates me. Yes this could be because we buy second hand cars but I think that the universe just likes to test me. The third and final part of the blame I will place on both Richard and I for buying cars and knowing nothing about them. Like for instance, we did not know that you should replace the battery in your car every 4-5 years. And if you don't replace it, maybe at least check on it every now and then and see how its doing. We lacked this part of car knowledge and at the first sign of true winter we got screwed majorly for it. In the end we spent a good chunk of money on a tow, new battery and labor.

Then came the flood. If our car breaking down on us wasn't enough of a "welcome to the new year bitches!", having our dishwasher sort of break on us was a nice way of driving that sentence home. We noticed something was up when we walked into the kitchen and would step on tiles and notice water on the floor. We thought nothing of it. Its a kitchen we spill water on the floor, or maybe Kessi drooled or something. No biggie right? WRONG!

One day I noticed there was water again. But I hadn't washed the dishes and there was no reason for it to be wet. So I got down on the ground and wiped the water up and noticed that when I pushed on the tiles water seeped up. We concluded it was the dishwasher and asked my brother in law and sister Karen (one part of our car rescuers) for guidance and help.

Not two hours after they said they would come by that evening and help did my dishwasher act like a spoiled child and lose her shit all of the kitchen. Gushing hot water all over my feet, and kitchen floor. I knew there was the water valves in this crazy hard to get to corner of one of the cupboards in the kitchen so I went and turned them off to stop the water...but nothing. The water kept coming. I called down to the front desk of the condo and asked for help. I was so worried that it was going to cause damage in not only our suite but those around us. After calling the front desk I called my sister, crying hysterically not sure what to do. Poor Karen thought I was having a heart attack. Our Condo manager came in went straight for the turn off valves.

Maria: Don't worry beautiful I will turn off the water. (Runs into the kitchen)

Paula: *Ugly Crying* There's no use I already did that. The water won't stop. 

Maria: There are three valves. Two for the sink one for the dishwasher. 

Paula: *Ugly Crying getting worse* I didn't know!!!!! 

Maria: It's OK it's turned off, oh don't cry everything is OK. Come here darling. *hugs me* Where is your sweetie is she safe? This is a reference to Kessi not Richard. She loves Kessi, and keeps the fact that we have her a secret.

Maria: I'll go get the wet vac and help clean up, you grab some towels. 

 Kessi enjoying the aftermaths of the flood. 

 Me enjoying the aftermaths of the flood. 

WHAT?!? 

I'm supervising. 

With her help I was able to suck up most of the water. After she left called my sister back and worked out that they would still come by and fix the dishwasher, while she reassured me everything would work out. And I reassured her I was not having a heart attack and calmed my tears. Next up was calling Richard's family to see if they could pick Richard up from work while I cleaned and recovered from my mini panic attack.

Richard's mum and sister came up with Richard after dropping him off, and informed us that other then waiting for the water in the ceramic tiles to dry, which they had to do on their own we didn't have any other damage. Then being the amazing people they are spent the rest of the weekend and following weeks checking up on us and even gifted us with an amazing present. Our very own fireplace for the living room.

One day I hope to make floor to ceiling built ins surrounding this. 

Add all this drama with the added stress of work, which has just been crazy these last couple weeks, it has tested my 'Stay Positive' new years resolution. But there's always a silver lining and for me that is the fact that this month is over.

Que my Happy Dance!!

So what else have I been doing. Well I've caught up on all my TV shows. I know HUGE achievement. Sherlock Season 3, American Horror Story Season 3, The Originals, Arrow, Vampire Diaries, How I Met Your Mother, The Blacklist, and Walking Dead.

Plus I've watched some new shows. Nip/Tuck (very depressing show only got to the end of Season 4), Hemlock Grove (Couldn't even make it through the first episode).

But the light at the end of the tunnel was Twin Peaks. Its a cult classic from the early 90's about a small town where a young girl is murdered, and this FBI agent gets involved. It's campy, and weird, and sometimes hilarious. I'm not finished yet but I'm in season two and I just love it so much.

I also saw a couple movies. I watched Frozen, which I thought was cute. Not the best film but cute none the less. I really liked the music in it. And I saw American Hustle. Which was fantastic. Loved that movie and highly recommend it. I really want to watch some more Oscar contenders like Wolf on Wall Street (Come on Leo you can win that gold statue), 12 Years a Slave (which I heard is sad and hard to get through), Dallas Buyers Club, and Her.

Well that's really been it. Other then trying to stay positive and counting down the days to when winter is over and spring begins, I haven't been doing much else. Hoping to get some stuff done in February, and do my best to keep an upbeat attitude, but I think this is going to be a job for liquor.

Lots and lots of liquor, and possibly cupcakes.

Honest to Blog: Julep Maven

If you follow me on Instagram you'll know that for the last little while I've been getting monthly boxes from Julep. I received my first box free back in July as a promotion I saw on someones blog. I loved it so much that I thought what the hell, I'll sign up as a Maven and get boxes each month as a nice gift to myself.

My first box that came for FREE with, Clara, Gabrielle, and Cuticle Oil

So as a Julep Maven (this title makes me feel important) you get a $40 box full of goodies for the price of $19.99 a month. When you sign up you take a fun little quiz to find out what your 'style' is, and based on that you get two polishes and a beauty product, which can range from make-up to cleanser, or hair products. My style is Classic with a Twist.

 August Box

 September Box

 October Box

 Bonus October Box. I received all this during a 50% off sale and with all my Julep points I had saved up.

 November Box

 December Box

January Box

Now I'm a notorious nail bitter so unless I'm wearing fake nails I have no real use for polish on my fingers but I do love pedicures, especially in the spring, summer, and fall.

I love this polish for the following reasons:

1.Its a high end polish that last days. In the summer I managed to not bite my nails for a few months and when I did use this polish it would last seven to nine days without chipping. I've painted my toes and that last a lot longer but they're feet so I mean maybe that's different.
2. It dries extremely fast and the Freedom top coat helps it last longer. So I'm not waiting around with my feet levitated waiting for the moment when I can put shoes on without the fear of all my hard work being ruined.
3. The colours that Julep have are amazing.
4. The bottles are shaped in such a way that when you get close to the end you can still get the last little bit at the bottom of the bottle.
5. Each month you get what are called Julep points which you can use to towards extra products from their store, and shipping and handling are free in Canada and US.

Also if a month comes along and you don't like the products for your 'style' you have the option of choosing one of the other 'styles' or skipping the month all together, or even gifting that month to a friend. And if you don't want to receive the boxes anymore you can close your account whenever you want without too much hassle.

From right to left:

Clara, Gabrielle, Veronica, Sylvia, Florence, Padma, Winona, Anisa, Cleopatra, Karen, Fiore, 

Freedom (which is the Top Coat), Sheila, Cynthia, Misti, Joelle, Abigail, and Mona.

After receiving these boxes for eight months I now own more polish then ever. Super cute feature is that all the polishes are named after women. No Paula yet, but I'm crossing my fingers for one with my name.

Just the beauty products.

However I will be more cautious from now on with which months I get as money is tight but also because I bite my nails its a waste to have so much polish and not be able to show it off. I really need to stop that nasty habit.

If you want to try Julep's monthly beauty box and become a Maven you can do so by signing up here.

Mission Impossible- Rescue Paula and Richard from the Cold Canadian Climate

Its days like today where I'm so thankful for mine and Richards family.

Disclaimer: There be swear words afoot. I get pretty vulgar when I'm angry. Or happy. Let this be a disclaimer that for most posts you will see swear words. Moving On.

I knew today was going to be a cold one and in the late afternoon the temperature started to drop drastically just like all the weather channels said it was going to. My main concern was for Richard to have a ride home from work so he didn't have to walk in the cold. Me having the car, despite it not having a properly functioning heating system, I knew I would be fine. I text him around 4:00pm just to be sure, and he responded back saying he was good and someone was going to be driving him home. So here I was at work looking at the clock tick by and thinking it might be good to run out early and beat traffic.

As I opened the door and Mother Nature blasted me in the face with her cruel frozen winter wind, I walked to my car. Our crappy but still functioning car. I opened the door and started to put the key in the ignition, already thinking about what music I was going to sing my little heart out to when I turned the key...and nothing happened. NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED! Our poor little dying Sookie (Yes I named our car) didn't even make a whimper. I tried again thinking it was a cruel joke and it would start. It had to start. I finished work, and it was cold and getting dark out. It had to start.

But it didn't.

And what does Paula do when she starts to panic and her eyes start to water, with the tears that will inevitably take over all her senses. I call my Sister.

Karen: Hello my Sissy. (In a very clearful voice)

Paula: My car won't fucking start. (quietly)

Karen: Oh no. (Speaking to her husband) Paula's car wont start. (Back to me) Like at all?

Paula: Nope (quietly) What the hell am I suppose to do? 

Karen: Call CAA. Do you have CAA?

Paula: No (I can feel the tears starting but I try to control myself)

Karen: How can you not have CAA? 

This was said in a 'Really Paula' kind of way. My sister is very aware of my lack of car expertise, as well as the fact that all cars hate me. Seriously, I have personally owned two cars and have gotten them both, individually I might add, towed over three plus times. This current car has left me and passengers stranded in not only Orangeville (forty minute drive away) but also in the wonderful drug capital of Ontario, Oshawa (over two hours away).

So my sister, my own personal Tom Cruise if you will, came to my rescue with the help of her hubby. I should point out at this point that my sister is basically dying from a cold and still managed to come to her baby sisters rescue.

As I walked back inside my work defeated and on the verge of a meltdown, but pleasantly warm, I waited for their arrival. I explained to Richard what had happened and that the most common explanation was that it was so cold outside that our car was frozen and wouldn't start.

My rescuers came, saw, did their best to fix Sookie, but did not conquer Mother Nature and her whorish winter frost. So we piled into their truck and left Sookie to brave the winter weather on her own. It was at this point where I waved pitifully to my car.

Paula: Bye Sookie.

Jeff: Sookie?

Paula: Yes I gave her a name so she would know she was loved, and wouldn't do stupid shit like this to me. I guess it doesn't work though.

Karen: Maybe you should try giving your cars stronger names. Like Brutus or Butch. Then they won't die on you.

So as we all crammed into their warm and toasty truck and they dropped me off at my apartment, I was mentally thinking about how the hell we were going to get through tomorrow. Richard works at 6:00am and I work at 8:30am. Both of us working in opposite directions. We eventually decided that Richard would take a taxi and I would ask to hop a ride with my Father in Law as we work at the same location.

Phone conversation with Richard and his Dad. His Dad's lines are improvised as I don't know what was said but this is what I gather.

Richard: Hey Dad, our car is at MicroAge as it wouldn't start and Paula and I have no way of getting to work tomorrow. I'm going to take a taxi into work but can Paula get a lift with you?

Dad: What time does she start? I'm actually off this week but I can pick her up if she wants.

Richard: She starts at 8:30am so I guess a pick up at 7:15am.

Dad: Sure. What happened to the car? 

Richard explained what happened and hung up the phone. We were once again saved. As Richard and I are discussing the fact that he needs to go to a bank and pull out some money for the taxi tomorrow, while I start on dinner, Richard's phone rings.

Richard: Hello?

Kerry (Richard's sister): What time do you start?

Richard: 6:00am but I have to leave at 5:30am.

Kerry: Ok Mum and I will pick you up, and drop you off. We don't want you taking and spending money on a taxi.

Richard: Really, thank you. 

Paula: *Yelling loud so they can hear me* I love you. We will give you gas money. 

Kerry: Tell Paula to shut up, she can give us cake instead. See you tomorrow. 

 Richard and I are truly blessed to have our family. Thanks you guys.

Honest to Blog: Book Nerd...of the Smutty Kind.

Well over the last year and a bit I have become quite the book worm. I never really read much as a child, I've always been more of a visual person so movies were always my friend. I never read unless I had to for school and even then I remember a lot of times I stuck to the Cole's Notes and just skimmed through English. Unless we were reading a book that grabbed my attention right away I wasn't really interested. In fact there is only one book that really comes to mind when I think about my four years in high school-The Chysalids by John Wyndham. I loved this book and got through it within a couple of days. When everyone else was answering question for Chapter Two and told to read Chapter Three I was already finished the book and re-reading it.

The book that got me back into reading was, and this will come as no surprise if you know me, "Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone' by JK Rowling. I can still remember being in the library of my High School and some classmates talking about how the trailer for the Harry Potter movie was just released and how excited they were. After asking what the movie was about and finding out it was about a boy wizard, I was like "pass". Then I saw a movie where they featured the trailer for the first movie in the series. Knowing my friends were going to eventually see the movie and seeing that the trailer wasn't entirely horrendous I decided to borrow the book from my sister and read it. I was HOOKED. I read through the first four books in no time. When I finished the fourth book I would just go back to the first one and reread them all again. Over and Over. I was obsessed, with both the books and movies. I went to the midnight showings for five of the movies, as well as the midnight book release of the last two books in the series, but this was just for Harry Potter, I still wasn't into much else book wise. Sometimes I would find a book in the Young Adult section that I would read but that was it.

Eventually I told my sister Karen about how I only really read HP and she in her big sister way scolded me for not reading other things. I eventually picked up a couple other books and would read them and really like them, and through the years have read a number of books. Richard has tried countless times over the years to get me to read some of his favourites, but alas I could not do it. We just differ on what we like in books too much that I couldn't get through his books.

But it hasn't been until the last couple of years of being a receptionist that I got back into reading, and found a genre I like. I like my books to have fun characters, and I want to get into the story right away. If it's gonna take me a hundred pages of font size eight to get to the real story then honestly I have better things to do. It's like I have A.D.D and I need a story to grab me in the first couple chapters.

I mainly stuck to the Young Adult section of books. I've read the 'Twilight Series' and Stephenie Meyers other book 'The Host'. I really jumped on the bandwagon of the Twilight Series and it wasn't until reading the fourth book in the series that I realized just how crappy it was. That's my opinion. If you read it and liked it then more power to you. It took me a long time to realize I didn't like it and that most of my interest in it was because the pages must have been laced with drugs that made me addicted to it. That or I was just really attracted to Robert Pattinson and didn't care about the actual story. I mean come on, we're talking about the guy who played Cedric Diggory in HP4. What's not to love? Again a period of no reading followed this until one day my nephew told me about a book series he'd read and enjoyed. He explained the premise and eventually I was introduced to 'The Hunger Games' series, which I devoured and loved.


Having read the Twilight Series with an ending that made no sense, all the rave was on the new 'mommy porn' that was Fifty Shades of Grey, previously written as a fan fiction of Twilight. I don't know what possessed me into buying that first book. I've read fan fiction before and came to the decision that I hadn't found anything I really liked in a long time. But there I was in a Chapter's lineup with Fifty Shades of Grey in my hand knowing that the person who was about to ring it up was going to know I was buying Porn. So here I was at the till most likely blushing profusely and giving some lame ass excuse that it was a joke gift for a friend. I went home that night and started reading. Ignorning my husband's protest for dinner I read and read. Yes the book may be silly and based off of Twilight fan fiction, but if Stephenie Meyer had written her characters like Christian and Ana I would still be reading Twilight.

I had finally found my genre. Smutty Romance. I like happy ending books where girl meets boy and there's some drama but eventually everything works out. I was later introduced to 'The Blackdagger Brotherhood Series' from my sister and a friend. Took me a while to get into the series but I was promised that while that series took sixty odd pages to really get into, once I got there it was all going to be worth it. And boy was it ever! I was first scared because the series was so large (that's what she said). We're talking eleven books plus a novela, people. This was going to be no easy task, but I had a job answering phones for eight hours a day, with a lot of free time. Its crazy to admit but I was able to get through that series in just under two weeks.

I discovered the website Good Reads, and after buying my first Kobo book, I kept getting emails of books I may like because I read Fifty Shades. From here I was introduced to Alice Clayton, Colleen Hoover, Christina Lauren, Maya Banks, Mia Sheridan, and many others. All of these authors are fantastic but like Horror Genre Movies, Smutty Romance has some real downers and I was also introduced to some really craptacuclar books.

Last Year I challenged myself to the Good Reads Book Challenge by trying to read 30 new books, but finished the year by only reading 27. Granted I did read a lot of these books over and over. To me reading a good book is like watching a movie. Sometimes I love a certain scene in a book and I will read it over and then put the book down. Sometimes I will need to read the book all over again. This happened a lot with Colleen Hoover's stories. I've become a huge fan of her writing style and love how fleshed out her characters are. So in a way I did read over 30 books last year, but I only read 27 new books.

I'm putting myself to the challenge of once again trying to read 30 new books. With my promotion at work I don't have the time to read during the day, therefore most of my reading now gets done at home. So I feel like 30 new books is a reasonable challenge for me. I already have books on my list and on my Kobo that I want to read, not to mention some new releases from the the authors listed above that I'm excited to read. I'm looking forward to another year of losing myself in books and characters, and maybe actually completing this challenge.

Oh and if you ever want to see what I've read or connect with me on Good Reads, just look to the left of the blog. I have my challenge posted at the bottom as well as a button at the top that will take you to my Good Reads page.

Honest to Blog: Goodbye 2013 Hello 2014

So we are at the end of another year and only a drunken breath away from a new year. I for one am pretty happy to be done with this year. It was a hard one for me. This was one of the hardest years for Richard and I in our 7 year relationship. A lot of that was to due with the fact that I was hit super bad at the beginning of this year with one of the hardest bouts of depression I've had in a long time. I was in the hospital earlier this year with a really bad kidney infection as well. In my defense I was trying to be healthy and took some daily vitamins which ended up giving me the kidney infection. Then being on even more of a 'got to get healthy' attitude I decided to work out and my knee slipped and I've had to deal with that injury. So if this is any kind of lesson it should be to stay unhealthy, but I know that's not the best attitude to walk away with.

But lets talk about some of the amazing things that happened this year. I became an aunt not once but twice to two beautiful girls. Both my brothers had daughters this year: Callie and Sarah. Add those two to my new nephew Caleb that was born last year, we are now up to 7 nephews and nieces.

Left: Simon, Valerie, and Caleb. Top Right: Tyler, Macayla, and Callie. Bottom Right: Sarah

Seriously?!? How beautiful are all these kids. Ridiculous, I know but there you have it.

I joined all the cool kids and signed up for Instagram this year, and it reminded me of how much I love taking photos. So much so that I did a 30-day photo challenge with a Beautiful Mess. I am really proud of the photos I took for the challenge, and tried being creative with how I took them. 

On top of these photos with instagram alone I have taken just shy of 400 photos since May of this year. I have also done Photo Adventures with my friend Hillary and Uncle Chris. All of which you can see here, here, and here. 

I got promoted at my work from Receptionist to a Call-Coordinator. I like that I have a lot more tasks to do and the team I work with is awesome. They really make the days at work more interesting. And I've made new friends at work, but shh don't tell them that. 

These are the girls on the Deskside Team. Our team lead Neil was MIA for this photo.

Speaking of work I was a part of the Social Committee for the second year in a row and we put on two very successful events. A 50's Breakfast and, my ultimate favourite, our Masquerade Holiday Party. You can see all the photos of those here and here. 

I also challenged myself to read more books this year, and ended up reading 27 new books. I wanted to challenge myself to read 30 new books, but fell in love with so many this year that I ended up re-reading the same books over and over. So I guess technically I did read over 30 books. Challenged Accepted- Challenge 'sort of' Completed. And with reading comes wanting to write. I joined Richard's writing group and started writing a novel. Ya that's right I'm writing a book. Pretty awesome if I do say so myself. 

After getting out of my depression in the beginning of the year the rest of the year went pretty darn well. I'm happy with how this year ended and I'm looking forward to next year. This is around that time where people post their goals and talk about how they want to lose weight and stop smoking and learn a new hobby. Well I've done that on here before and let me tell you, those goals where never accomplished. 

But I do want to set myself up with some goals, so here is a list of what I want to do next year:

1.Stay positive.

2. Spend more time with family.

3. Cross off more things on my Bucket List. (You can see what I have on it here.)

4. Finish my book.

5. Throw out my weight scale and never weigh myself again. EVER. My health goal next year is not going to be to lose X amount of pounds but instead get myself to a point health wise where I'm happy. Screw the number on my clothes and the number on the scale. My goal is to be happy with my body and how I feel. 

6. Stick to my passions and complete my home decorating ideas. 

7. Chisel away at our debt. I would really like to be debt free as soon as possible. 

Well, that's all folks. Thanks for reading this little bit of the internet world that I have. Hope you all will stick around next year and see what other crap I get up too. 

Happy New Year Everyone.